All events in this blog are true...
This may appear to some to be a somewhat bold statement, and I realise that I am asking a lot by expecting you to believe this. After all, I haven’t even introduced myself yet and I am asking for you to believe that this blog is true, except that I haven’t actually asked you that yet, but let’s just assume that I have. You don’t believe me, do you?. Well, stick with me and trust me on this one...
I know everything that happened in this blog actually happened in reality because I was there and you weren’t (unless you are one of the unfortunate few to have been involved in the events here-on in, in which case, Hi! How have you been?). By asking you to believe that I was actually there for all of the events that you haven’t actually read about yet, I am expecting a lot from you, I know. But bear with me.
You should appreciate that I have put a lot of pressure on myself to deliver the goods here, and I won’t let you down. Well, I may let you down. It all depends on your expectations and if you are the sort of person who is easily let down. If massive revelations are your bag, then the rest of this blog may very well be a bit of an anticlimax for you. The thing is, you won’t actually know until you read it will you, so you may as well carry on reading. You never know, you may learn something!
For the sake of argument then, let us assume that you are the bright young individual that you actually resemble (though I’m not too sure that your shirt goes with those shoes), and I can proceed...
Let me start by telling you that anyone who knows me well will say that I’m not into making guarantees. That’s not the first thing that they will tell you, obviously, (that would be ridiculous) but it will be up there with the rest of the revelations about me not liking celery, having a bad taste in ties and the fact that “plop” is my favourite word. I CAN guarantee, however, that you will either like, dislike or have no opinion at all on the rest of this blog. How many other people do you know that can make such a guarantee and mean it?. Go on, think about it for a minute. Nope! Didn’t think so!
I’m guessing by now that you are wondering what the bloody hell this blog is actually about. Well, first of all, allow me introduce myself. My name is Geoff and I am an alcoholic. Actually, my name is NOT Geoff, and I’m not an alcoholic. I just threw that in to make sure that you were still paying attention. Don’t get me wrong though, I like the odd pint of cider occasionally, but I don’t get up in the morning and think “I’d like a pint of cider”. My drinking is done in a controlled fashion - except on those rarest of rare occasions when it isn’t. But I will elaborate on that later in this blog, so that’s something to look forward to, isn’t it?.
Ok, so you have already learned something (didn’t I tell you that you would?). Now, I realise that you are probably thinking that learning my fake name, and the fact that I like the odd pint of cider, probably isn’t worth the asking price of this blog. I guess I ought to tell you a bit more about why I am here then, and where this bus ride is taking us. Is it a bus ride?. No, it’s not - I used the wrong phrase completely there - what I meant to say was “journey”, so I wasn’t too far off. (I am actually on a bus journey whilst I am telling you this, which probably explains the confusion).
To start the ball rolling then, I want you to try and understand how we are all different, but also exactly the same. The very same things that happen to you may very well have happened to me as well, and vice-versa. That is rather a bold statement I know, I should explain that I am not talking about meeting your mate down the pub for a quick pint or two - I have never met Dave and probably wouldn’t like him if I had. The kind of situations that I am referring to mainly relate to emotions - love, lust, hatred, depression, loneliness, happiness and the most important one of all - luck.
It’s my belief that luck plays a major part in keeping the balance between positive and negative. If you don’t have any luck, then chances are that the only other emotions you have experienced are the negative ones. The trouble is, I don’t have any luck. I’m convinced of it. If I had any luck, I would have been able to get off with Tessa Green at the school disco, got away with shoplifting when I was 16, and very probably not be stuck in a dead end job as an I.T. specialist. I use the term “specialist” in a very loose way here. I am, in fact, NOT a specialist - certainly not in I.T in any case. I sort of fell into the job much like pussy willow fell into that well in the nursery rhyme, but without the physical act of falling into a well (that would be dangerous). I suspect that the cats name wasn’t “Willow” either, but that’s not important right now - much like this entire cat analogy.
A lot of people don’t believe that luck exists, and if it does exist then we create our own luck. Well, I am here to tell you that’s a load of bollocks. And that’s what this blog is about. No, not a load of bollocks, I am referring to the explanation of those situations where lady luck decided to shine her light on someone else other than me. Hell, the “luck light” (as I don’t hesitate to call it) may even have shone on you at some stage in the past - in which case, give me a break you bastard!. That light was meant for me!.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is how we are all essentially the same. You probably have felt as unlucky as me at times and wanted to throw yourself under something in frustration (and I am not talking about that really annoying board game with that dice stuck in the plastic dome. You wouldn’t fit under that, unless you just placed it on your head, and that would be ridiculous). We are all the same, but it’s what we learn from life that defines us and separates us from others (Unless you were born a Siamese twin or something).
So, friend of mine (do you mind if I call you that? I feel like we have already formed a unique relationship in the short time that I have known you) take a ticket and jump on board the luck bus - the fare is free (aside from the ticket that you have just taken - that’s £3.40 please) and join me in the journey of life. We will be stopping off at such places as my teens, twenties and thirties and I can guarantee (here I go making guarantees again) that the journey will be a fruitful one. Just make sure that you bring plenty of custard........
